I'd Thought I Knew What Gratitude Was
I was a circumstantial drinker after a traumatic event in my 20’s.
After a while, I started going to AA, to lean how to quit drinking.
They talked about gratitude at meetings often and a lot.
I got pretty sick of the topic of gratitude pretty quick.
I did not feel grateful. I felt trapped and doomed.
Their constantly talking about gratitude was annoying not only because I could not see what I had to be grateful for, but their constantly talking about it became yet another thing I was failing at.
Every November was unofficially Gratitude Month. Crap. A whole month of having gratitude rammed down my throat – making me wrong for not having gratitude and I knew at least half of them were just talking the talk during meetings but not walking the talk because they complained as much as I did in regular conversation.
When I started, I could not even imagine not wanting to drink.
I was convinced that they were lying when they shared their stories and said they did not even want to drink anymore.
And then one day, I no longer resisted drinking, I just didn’t want to anymore. Not long after that, I noticed that I actually was grateful for that, didn’t really know what or how that had happened, but I was grateful for it - and for a lot of other things.
But it was not what I thought it was.
There was no bowing or scraping.
I was not grateful to some big ol’ patriarchal white man god that was soo much better and greater then lil’ol’undeservng girl me.
It was not dripping with unworthiness and the relief could be taken away without notice if I misbehaved or if whim overtook the god.
I wasn’t “less than,” and what I was grateful to wasn’t lording it over me, ready to withhold and deny me at any moment like life in childhood.
Over the years I’ve used various techniques to clean my past experiences and expectational energies off gratitude, as well as other people’s energies and projections.
Think of it as cleaning off a window that hasn’t been washed in a really long time, or cleaning really grubby dirty glasses.
So what’s the point? Everybody knows what gratitude is. Hmmm. What if – not?
What if gratitude is better than an espresso? Or as good as a raise? Or a Superpower you can uncover and employ that does more for you than anything you can buy? What if You – your higher self – is the Source of all, and you can get In Sync with all that turbo-charged yummy and actualizing?
What if instead of doubting you, you can live LIVE Knowing that you can get and have whatever your heart desires, in every area of your life? If you could have and be that, would you choose it?
What if gratitude was a feeling and sensation that’s so yummy, you desire living in that energy – would you choose that?
What if your yummy gratitude lead to your having more money, time, love, lusciousness, fun and everything more often – would you choose that?
Homemade, immediately available ways to allow gratitude:
Find a tree or plant that you can visit every day, then do that. Spend some time I the presence of this living being and be curious about how it communicates with you. Do you see pictures? (Very common form of communication) Get sensations? Have different from how you usually think thought? Be curious about how you and this living being are contributing to each other, and see what happens over the course of a week, say. Best if you do same time each day, as if it matters to you.
Teddy Roosevelt overcame a lot of physical hardships. He has a great motto of sorts:
"Do all you can with what you have from where you are." Do that everyday, TOwards what you desire or require and in a week, notice what's different.
Once a day - or once and hour, if you *really* want to change things - open up and be curious to find one thing that you actually do appreciate and have a sense/feel of gladness for. Could be the softness of your sweater, or the cool of the wind on your face, the rustling of the trees as the winds of change make them sing, could be that you have cable! Find something, even a state of being, and sense/feel that energy of appreciation. The more you do that, the more you will notice there is to sense/feel that appreciation for.